Being Me Everywhere

I've been writing in my head all week. For some reason, even though I want to sit down and put my thoughts to paper...or rather, to cyberspace...I've been putting it off. When I was a kid I used to write journals and then throw them out, for fear of someone (horrors!) reading them and perhaps seeing me for who I really was. I think I might still have some of that fear sometimes - can I really be honest, and let people see me for who I really am now, and not worry about who's going to read this? I think this is an important excercise for me, because I am working on bringing the differents parts, or 'worlds', of my life together. Let me explain.

This week was an emotional one for me. Last Sunday, I was asked to participate in a program called "Level Ground", led by the worship pastor Brian Derkson at the church we attend. It's essentially talking about transformation - where we were, what it looked like, what happened and where we are now. So instead of a sermon, I and another woman each spent 15-20 minutes speaking about our lives. I expected to be anxious and afraid, because public speaking has been difficult for me in the past, but this time I felt calm and oddly excited. As I started speaking, everyone faded away. The words came easily, and I felt like I was being carried through a beautiful moment of complete honesty. When I finished, I looked around and realized with some amazement that people had connected to what I had shared. Brian and Dean, our head pastor, came to stand next to me. Brian spoke for both of them. I'm paraphrasing here, but essentially he said, with so much humility, that he would like to apologize on behalf of all church leaders who have caused hurt. For the fact that places of safety haven't always been safe. My mind couldn't keep up with what was being said, so it didn't really sink in till later. The truth is, I didn't need that apology. I've let go of anger, and I know that bad things happen when people are afraid to stand up for what they believe in, and we've all been in that place one time or another. So I didn't need an apology, but what a beautiful, beautiful gift it was! To see someone be willing to take that on, and acknowledge that wrongs do occur, and sometimes the name of God is used to excert power over others...honestly, that to me is humility, and that is what God looks like. Loving, safe, and speaking truth. It's also pretty amazing to me that this happened so shortly after I finally let go of my anger.

So there is a glimpse into part of my world.

Here is another.

I've spent alot of time in the past compartmentalizing my life. I disassociated to get through difficult times, and I tried to manage everything so it all looked okay. This took so much energy and literally left me exhausted and ill. I have alot of 'befores' and 'afters'. I think everyone reading this can identify with that. One moment we're in one stage, the next moment everything has changed and we didn't see it coming. Or perhaps we did, and were excited and looking forward to it. But in retrospect, our lives look like chapters. It's hard to grasp that in terms of today. It's like imagining Winter in July - was I ever actually that cold? I've digressed abit here, so back to my original thought - I have different parts of my life that don't come together very often. A big part is my family, the people I grew up with, my cousins and friends and people from my old church. Another big, and growing, part is my newer friends; my church friends, my beautiful friends in Recovery, the people Patrick and I are connecting with as a couple. These are my worlds, and I tend to be in one or the other. However, I am feeling more and more that it's unhealthy for me to be one person around certain people, and another person around others. I love all my people, and I think they love me. So I am working on being me all the time, and this weekend we are doing something different. Patrick is turning 40 (yes, I know, I married an old guy, but I kinda like that), and we are having a celebration of this. I'm so excited about it! Our families and friends are coming over, and we're going to just love it. My worlds are coming together under one roof and I'm expecting wonderful memories to be created!

More stuff: Kate got new shoes. She spent 15 minutes putting them on, taking them off, and walking into things cuz she was trying to watch her feet. I don't think she's been aware of new things till this point. Interesting to observe, and I think she may be learning from someone...?!

My mama stopped by and had coffee with me yesterday. She is amazing and I love her so much! Being with her calms me and makes me think about the kind of woman I want to be. Thanks, mom! I love it when you come to my house.

My friend Lisa and I spent some time together, talking about, you know, really deep stuff as well as the fluffy and laughing about both. Thank God we all have the ability (even if we can't always find it) to laugh at ourselves!