I've been thinking about my Dad alot today. I didn't get to see him, but this morning Kate and I called and sang a song to him, and wished him the best Father's Day ever. I hope he is happy today, and knows how much I love him.
When I was very young I didn't sleep well at all (still don't, for that matter). Dad would sit on the edge of my bed and gently bounce it and sing to me for what seemed like hours. When we took that bed apart years later, there was a hollow in the spot where he always sat. As my view of God has evolved and become much more personal in the last few months, I think back to the times in my life when Dad was just there, and how the fear of the night and the dark would miraculously leave when he showed up. Dad doesn't always understand me, and sometimes we hurt each other, and sometimes I don't understand him; but those times of connecting in my early years have created a bond that I will never have with anyone else. Remember, Dad, how you tried to teach me the longest words you knew when I was so young? Remember the very first dish I ever made on my own - Rice Krispy Squares, I was seven, I made them for you (and to this day I'm not even sure if you actually like Rice Krispy Squares)? Remember how you used to run around with us outside after dark and play scary games? You were so young. Remember how you and I had so much fun grocery shopping when Mom was busy at home with the babies? You pushed the cart, and I remembered where everything was. There were alot of years there, Dad, when I didn't let you close to me. I was hurting and you didn't know how to reach me. Today is Father's Day, and today I want you to know that I hold you close to my heart, and that you are the only and best Father I could ever wish for. As my mind and soul heal, I am remembering more and more beautiful times spent with you, and can't wait to make more. Thank you for still being here, as I wake up years later! I love you.
Happy Father's Day, also, to my Patrick - it's fascinating watching the man I love developing layers and depth, becoming a daddy in addition to, not instead of, husband and lover. It's exciting to see your ability to expand as a person, baby, and I love seeing you be so gentle with our daughter.
Dad Dan, I want to thank you also for your amazing support and positive input in my life. I know I can talk freely to you, without fear of judgement, and I always feel loved in return.
I felt emotional while writing this. There's so much more on my mind tonight, but it's going to have to wait. Good night!
(Oh, and by the way, I have 10 extra chocolate cream tarts in my fridge if anyone wants to come help me finish them off!)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Being Me Everywhere
I've been writing in my head all week. For some reason, even though I want to sit down and put my thoughts to paper...or rather, to cyberspace...I've been putting it off. When I was a kid I used to write journals and then throw them out, for fear of someone (horrors!) reading them and perhaps seeing me for who I really was. I think I might still have some of that fear sometimes - can I really be honest, and let people see me for who I really am now, and not worry about who's going to read this? I think this is an important excercise for me, because I am working on bringing the differents parts, or 'worlds', of my life together. Let me explain.
This week was an emotional one for me. Last Sunday, I was asked to participate in a program called "Level Ground", led by the worship pastor Brian Derkson at the church we attend. It's essentially talking about transformation - where we were, what it looked like, what happened and where we are now. So instead of a sermon, I and another woman each spent 15-20 minutes speaking about our lives. I expected to be anxious and afraid, because public speaking has been difficult for me in the past, but this time I felt calm and oddly excited. As I started speaking, everyone faded away. The words came easily, and I felt like I was being carried through a beautiful moment of complete honesty. When I finished, I looked around and realized with some amazement that people had connected to what I had shared. Brian and Dean, our head pastor, came to stand next to me. Brian spoke for both of them. I'm paraphrasing here, but essentially he said, with so much humility, that he would like to apologize on behalf of all church leaders who have caused hurt. For the fact that places of safety haven't always been safe. My mind couldn't keep up with what was being said, so it didn't really sink in till later. The truth is, I didn't need that apology. I've let go of anger, and I know that bad things happen when people are afraid to stand up for what they believe in, and we've all been in that place one time or another. So I didn't need an apology, but what a beautiful, beautiful gift it was! To see someone be willing to take that on, and acknowledge that wrongs do occur, and sometimes the name of God is used to excert power over others...honestly, that to me is humility, and that is what God looks like. Loving, safe, and speaking truth. It's also pretty amazing to me that this happened so shortly after I finally let go of my anger.
So there is a glimpse into part of my world.
Here is another.
I've spent alot of time in the past compartmentalizing my life. I disassociated to get through difficult times, and I tried to manage everything so it all looked okay. This took so much energy and literally left me exhausted and ill. I have alot of 'befores' and 'afters'. I think everyone reading this can identify with that. One moment we're in one stage, the next moment everything has changed and we didn't see it coming. Or perhaps we did, and were excited and looking forward to it. But in retrospect, our lives look like chapters. It's hard to grasp that in terms of today. It's like imagining Winter in July - was I ever actually that cold? I've digressed abit here, so back to my original thought - I have different parts of my life that don't come together very often. A big part is my family, the people I grew up with, my cousins and friends and people from my old church. Another big, and growing, part is my newer friends; my church friends, my beautiful friends in Recovery, the people Patrick and I are connecting with as a couple. These are my worlds, and I tend to be in one or the other. However, I am feeling more and more that it's unhealthy for me to be one person around certain people, and another person around others. I love all my people, and I think they love me. So I am working on being me all the time, and this weekend we are doing something different. Patrick is turning 40 (yes, I know, I married an old guy, but I kinda like that), and we are having a celebration of this. I'm so excited about it! Our families and friends are coming over, and we're going to just love it. My worlds are coming together under one roof and I'm expecting wonderful memories to be created!
More stuff: Kate got new shoes. She spent 15 minutes putting them on, taking them off, and walking into things cuz she was trying to watch her feet. I don't think she's been aware of new things till this point. Interesting to observe, and I think she may be learning from someone...?!
My mama stopped by and had coffee with me yesterday. She is amazing and I love her so much! Being with her calms me and makes me think about the kind of woman I want to be. Thanks, mom! I love it when you come to my house.
My friend Lisa and I spent some time together, talking about, you know, really deep stuff as well as the fluffy and laughing about both. Thank God we all have the ability (even if we can't always find it) to laugh at ourselves!
This week was an emotional one for me. Last Sunday, I was asked to participate in a program called "Level Ground", led by the worship pastor Brian Derkson at the church we attend. It's essentially talking about transformation - where we were, what it looked like, what happened and where we are now. So instead of a sermon, I and another woman each spent 15-20 minutes speaking about our lives. I expected to be anxious and afraid, because public speaking has been difficult for me in the past, but this time I felt calm and oddly excited. As I started speaking, everyone faded away. The words came easily, and I felt like I was being carried through a beautiful moment of complete honesty. When I finished, I looked around and realized with some amazement that people had connected to what I had shared. Brian and Dean, our head pastor, came to stand next to me. Brian spoke for both of them. I'm paraphrasing here, but essentially he said, with so much humility, that he would like to apologize on behalf of all church leaders who have caused hurt. For the fact that places of safety haven't always been safe. My mind couldn't keep up with what was being said, so it didn't really sink in till later. The truth is, I didn't need that apology. I've let go of anger, and I know that bad things happen when people are afraid to stand up for what they believe in, and we've all been in that place one time or another. So I didn't need an apology, but what a beautiful, beautiful gift it was! To see someone be willing to take that on, and acknowledge that wrongs do occur, and sometimes the name of God is used to excert power over others...honestly, that to me is humility, and that is what God looks like. Loving, safe, and speaking truth. It's also pretty amazing to me that this happened so shortly after I finally let go of my anger.
So there is a glimpse into part of my world.
Here is another.
I've spent alot of time in the past compartmentalizing my life. I disassociated to get through difficult times, and I tried to manage everything so it all looked okay. This took so much energy and literally left me exhausted and ill. I have alot of 'befores' and 'afters'. I think everyone reading this can identify with that. One moment we're in one stage, the next moment everything has changed and we didn't see it coming. Or perhaps we did, and were excited and looking forward to it. But in retrospect, our lives look like chapters. It's hard to grasp that in terms of today. It's like imagining Winter in July - was I ever actually that cold? I've digressed abit here, so back to my original thought - I have different parts of my life that don't come together very often. A big part is my family, the people I grew up with, my cousins and friends and people from my old church. Another big, and growing, part is my newer friends; my church friends, my beautiful friends in Recovery, the people Patrick and I are connecting with as a couple. These are my worlds, and I tend to be in one or the other. However, I am feeling more and more that it's unhealthy for me to be one person around certain people, and another person around others. I love all my people, and I think they love me. So I am working on being me all the time, and this weekend we are doing something different. Patrick is turning 40 (yes, I know, I married an old guy, but I kinda like that), and we are having a celebration of this. I'm so excited about it! Our families and friends are coming over, and we're going to just love it. My worlds are coming together under one roof and I'm expecting wonderful memories to be created!
More stuff: Kate got new shoes. She spent 15 minutes putting them on, taking them off, and walking into things cuz she was trying to watch her feet. I don't think she's been aware of new things till this point. Interesting to observe, and I think she may be learning from someone...?!
My mama stopped by and had coffee with me yesterday. She is amazing and I love her so much! Being with her calms me and makes me think about the kind of woman I want to be. Thanks, mom! I love it when you come to my house.
My friend Lisa and I spent some time together, talking about, you know, really deep stuff as well as the fluffy and laughing about both. Thank God we all have the ability (even if we can't always find it) to laugh at ourselves!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Feelin' It
Today we had sunshine. Oh yes, that's been a rare occurence lately!
I spent the morning preparing for a 'ladies tea' in my friend Ellie's back yard. I was asked to bake a cake. I love baking and cooking, but for some reason everything was just wrong this morning. An egg fell off the counter and broke on the floor. Kate cried. While I was beating the cream cheese filling, one of the beaters flew out of the hand mixer and sprayed batter everywhere. Kate cried some more. I put the beater back in it's place correctly, and the mixer turned on and sprayed even more batter onto me and my daughter and over my once-clean kitchen. Gah! I cried. Then, halfway through prepping, I realized that the recipe called for one cup grated carrots...and yup, I didn't have any. Neither did any of my neighbors. So I'm rapidly swinging along to panic mode and a major episode of frustration...when I remembered that I am allowed to start my day over whenever I want to. Ha! What a novel idea, let's see if this works. So...a little sit down, a little prayer, a little laugh at myself...some deep breathing...and we ended up with a great day on our hands! Yay!
The tea was lovely. The ladies were even lovelier. I got to hear an inspiring life story from a woman who has a passion to help kids forced into the sex trade in Thailand and Cambodia, God bless her. She is doing all she can to bring awareness to this sad, sad reality of life.
I came home and caught my daughter on video-tape trying to drink water out of a dish like a dog (it's on You Tube). Patricks' brothers' dog came to visit this morning, and I guess he thought it was too hot outside to go home. He's still here. Kate wanted to 'be' like him, I suppose. I mean, who wouldn't?! Especially with a name like Happy.
So I did alot of laughing today. I also thought alot about starting to feel again after years of trying not to...and you know, it's a scary process. I cry more. I also laugh more. When I have a bad moment, I still sometimes wish I could escape the sharpness of it. I know there was a time in my life when I needed to escape reality just to stay alive - and sometimes it can be hard to leave those survival skills behind when they're not needed anymore. They were friends at one point. But now - now I want to feel the joy, because I'm quickly developing a taste for it! And in order to have the joy, I must also face the bad moments. The difference now is that I know the sadness is temporary, and it's in my power to do something about it.
Three more good things. Thing one: Canucks won game two of the Stanley Cup finals (nearly the best part of this is watching my chilled out husband jump around like a child - and yes, I think I might have even seen a pelvis-thrust in there somewhere)! Thing two: My friend Karla and I went to the meeting together tonight. I love Karla; she is a gentle sincere soul and I know God put us in each others lives for a reason. Thing three: When I mentioned to Patrick that I might go out for coffee with some friends after my meeting tonight, he said "go have fun, baby, take your time." Of course, I don't need his permission, but when I get a gentle response like that I am so overwhelmed with amazement at the wonderful, unselfish person sharing his life with me. I'm glad I saved some cake for him:)
I spent the morning preparing for a 'ladies tea' in my friend Ellie's back yard. I was asked to bake a cake. I love baking and cooking, but for some reason everything was just wrong this morning. An egg fell off the counter and broke on the floor. Kate cried. While I was beating the cream cheese filling, one of the beaters flew out of the hand mixer and sprayed batter everywhere. Kate cried some more. I put the beater back in it's place correctly, and the mixer turned on and sprayed even more batter onto me and my daughter and over my once-clean kitchen. Gah! I cried. Then, halfway through prepping, I realized that the recipe called for one cup grated carrots...and yup, I didn't have any. Neither did any of my neighbors. So I'm rapidly swinging along to panic mode and a major episode of frustration...when I remembered that I am allowed to start my day over whenever I want to. Ha! What a novel idea, let's see if this works. So...a little sit down, a little prayer, a little laugh at myself...some deep breathing...and we ended up with a great day on our hands! Yay!
The tea was lovely. The ladies were even lovelier. I got to hear an inspiring life story from a woman who has a passion to help kids forced into the sex trade in Thailand and Cambodia, God bless her. She is doing all she can to bring awareness to this sad, sad reality of life.
I came home and caught my daughter on video-tape trying to drink water out of a dish like a dog (it's on You Tube). Patricks' brothers' dog came to visit this morning, and I guess he thought it was too hot outside to go home. He's still here. Kate wanted to 'be' like him, I suppose. I mean, who wouldn't?! Especially with a name like Happy.
So I did alot of laughing today. I also thought alot about starting to feel again after years of trying not to...and you know, it's a scary process. I cry more. I also laugh more. When I have a bad moment, I still sometimes wish I could escape the sharpness of it. I know there was a time in my life when I needed to escape reality just to stay alive - and sometimes it can be hard to leave those survival skills behind when they're not needed anymore. They were friends at one point. But now - now I want to feel the joy, because I'm quickly developing a taste for it! And in order to have the joy, I must also face the bad moments. The difference now is that I know the sadness is temporary, and it's in my power to do something about it.
Three more good things. Thing one: Canucks won game two of the Stanley Cup finals (nearly the best part of this is watching my chilled out husband jump around like a child - and yes, I think I might have even seen a pelvis-thrust in there somewhere)! Thing two: My friend Karla and I went to the meeting together tonight. I love Karla; she is a gentle sincere soul and I know God put us in each others lives for a reason. Thing three: When I mentioned to Patrick that I might go out for coffee with some friends after my meeting tonight, he said "go have fun, baby, take your time." Of course, I don't need his permission, but when I get a gentle response like that I am so overwhelmed with amazement at the wonderful, unselfish person sharing his life with me. I'm glad I saved some cake for him:)
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